July, 1998
August, 1998
October, 1998
December, 1998
January, 1999
March, 1999
April, 1999
October, 1999
November, 1999
February, 2000
March, 2000
April, 2000
May, 2000
June, 2000
July, 2000
August, 2000
September, 2000
October, 2000
November, 2000
December, 2000
January, 2001
February, 2001
March, 2001
April, 2001
May, 2001

July, 1998 Tuna Tales

My Tuna relatives once were discussing inter racial marriages and whether it is biblically correct to marry outside one's race. Aunt Lois piped in and said "It is wrong, it's a sin, it's an abomination to God. Just like that song says, Red, Yellow, Black and White - those are the four races and you ain't suppose to marry outside those races."

I have an aunt that should own stock in Aqua Net! She keeps a rattail comb and a can of Aqua Net in her desk at work, in her car and in her purse so she can keep that "big hair" going all day long!!

My Tuna Moment just happened!!!! I found this site.......And placed my order with stuff I've been looking for for some years!....I Guess I'd just hafta say......"I'm as happy as that Egg-Suckin' Poodle from across town"!!!!....(come here egg-lips)....

I took my mother to see "Greater Tuna" even though she had a bad cough due to cold. She quelled her theater cough with prescription syryp during the performance. While driving home, a strange apparition appeared in the starry sky (we later found it was a Russian skylab crashing into Texas). But at the time, she leaned over her reclined car seat and said, "Is it flying mexican food? (hic) She was from a small Texas town, and found the play more melodrama than satire. I don't think the cough syryp affected that critical opinion greatly.

Growing up in a small town in Texas (Crowell pop. 1,300) I did learn a valuable lesson when I moved to the city...homemade is not always the best.

My mother's fourth husband (actually third and fourth, she married the same man twice) was calling her and coming by all the time, and she told him she wished he would just leave her alone. She called me after about a week, and told me, "You know, I told him to just leave me alone, and he did, and I miss him; what would you think if I married him again?"

I'm sitting back stage with Joe and Jaston thinking what there lifes are like They are incridable actor's and actress's! I'm only 14 but i've been coming to the 1894 Grand Oprea House in Galveston, Texas and we are so pleased to always have them I have been coming here since I was in 2nd grade and as far as I can remember the entire stage crew,Joe,and Jaston are the best people to ever walk into this theater.

With each performance of Tuna, I find myself dressing in tribute to one of the characters in the play...at one performance of Tuna Christmas...I had on my self styled Didi Snavely earrings....two plastic full sized hand gernades...a cowboy and his date came to our isle to be seated...I saw him look at me somewhat perplexed...It was apparent later that it was his first Tuna play when Didi made her entrance and it dawned on the cowboy why I had the earrings on and he could not stop laughing...

A friend of mine conveyed to me the true story of a couple from a small Texas town who came to Dallas to eat at a fine restaurant. The waiter came over to take their order and the husband, his face buried in the menu, remarked, "I'll have the fuh-juh, fuh-juh..." His wife interrupted him saying, "He'll have the fuh-JI-tuhs. Billy Ed here don't speak no Italian." The waiter had to excuse himself to go into the kitchen and laugh.

It was a hot summer day and Lillian Pepper, my grandmother had made us all some iced tea hopin' we'd settle down and give her some peace and quiet because typically, us boy's would be into mischief of one kind or another. As the hot kreosote smell wafted through the air, Lillians phone rang, interupting us in mid tea sip. "Hello?" "Ms Peppa?Do you have a little tow-headed grandboy?" "Yes'm Ms Dickerson, why?" "Well he's out at the road throwing rocks at passin' cars, and the one's goin' slow, he's hittin' twice!"

During WW II on a ranch out near Fort Stockton lived a rancher with his wife and two small sons. One day the rancher looked up and saw a blimp, he hollered at his wife to get the boys under the car the Germans were coming. He then got his shotgun out and began to fire at the blimp. He soon got the family in the car and hi-tailed it to the nearest gas station to alert others. They owner of the station said "Oh Hell, that was jsut the Goodyear Blimp." Boy, did they get a good laugh on their Friend!

We were at a family burial of some distant relatives. I turned to notice a strange group come in and asked my mother where they came from. She let me know that it wasn't polite to point and snikker at our "Cousin No-Knecks" and proceeded to let me know to be sure and pay close attention to every family member so that it wouldn't happen again.

I am directing Tuna Christmas at a dinner theatre in Alabama and the menu includes Bar-B-Q. Opening night I was making sure everything was set and I was at the buffet table and nearly had a coronary. Sitting next to the Bar-B-Q was a stuffed pig with an apple in it's mouth just lying there all thin and sickly looking. The first thought that popped into my head was that this pig had found it's way under Aunt Pearl's truck and had been run over a couple of times to make it look good and that Stanley had stuffed it.

True story: friends of ours returned to their VW Beetle after visiting a State Fair to find that a circus elephant had sat on the hood, crushing it, but leaving the car drivable. It seemed that the trunk was the same color and size as the barrel the elephant sat on in the show. On the way home, they got pulled over by a policeman who had a report of a hit and run - and they showed recent damage. "Officer, you're not going to believe this, but..." Whenever they tell the story, I hear it coming from Bertha Bumiller!

My Aunt Marky & Uncle Joe had fallen on hard times and Vienna Sausage (not one of my personal favorites) were considered a special treat. On her latest trip to the store, Aunt Marky brought home one can for each of her three children. Upon finding that all three cans were missing, my Aunt chased my cousins around the house with a yardstick, demanding to know who had stolen the cans of Vienna Sausages. My cousin sheepfacedly told my Aunt that he had hidden the cans under his cowboy hat so his older and somewhat larger brother would not eat them all. Vienna Sausages are still a treat in that family, poor things.

It was my cousning birthday and my mom had been working all day in the kitchen to produce a knock out cake. The cake was a knock out alright, but not for the reasons she had hoped. See, instead of using powdered sugar like the recipie called for, she used baking soda! As we all took our first bites, faces shrivilled up like prunes and the festivities came to an abrupt halt! I imagine Pearls "bitter pills" taste quite similar . . . Sorry, mom. =-)

I live in Dallas. Two years ago, at Christmas, I thought that it would be a fun family activity to Watch "A Tuna Christmas." I was raised in Midland, Texas. (about 100 miles south of Lubbock) My Uncle, in his mid sixties, was visiting us from Midland. Midway through the play, my uncle wasn't interested in watching anymore. When I asked why he wasn't watching he said...SERIOUSLY, " Why the hell should I watch this when I can go home and live it?" Greater Tuna isn't a satire to him....its a documentary!!!

After several years of telling the "tales of Tuna" to my family (Momma's from that neck of the woods and most of her family are still there...) They all thought it was mildy amusing until I brought Greater Tuna AND A Tuna Christmas videos home last Christmas. Pop, (who falls asleep as soon as he hits the lazy boy) was wide awake, lauging until he was crying.....Momma felt like she was at a family reunion. Now all they talk about are 'snatch squads' 'bitter pills' and poor old Lupe!! (They're chompin' at the bit to get to Red, White, and Tuna.... )

I am an older "return to college when kids are able to take care of themselves" SHSU student. One day in my Plant Taxonomy class, our professor said something about Hare Krishnas. Some of the younger students at my lab table didn't know what Hare Krishnas are. I was trying to explain what they are but they kept thinking i was talking about "Hairy Christians". I think they wanted to join the "new" religion since they were getting tired of their Baptist ways!! I died laughing at the expressions on their faces, when I informed them what they were!!!

My family comes from West Virginia, and have always subscribed to the local "home town" papers. One of my favorite pieces was listed in the Lost and Found section of the county paper: "Who ever lost his false teeth at my yardsale last weekend, we found them." Another favorite: "REWARD: For the return of or information about the person or persons that stole my out house."

I've lived around "Tuna" relatives all my life. When my granny - and excellent cook - died, her boys (my uncles) gave her recipe box to me. I put it aside for a long time, but eventually thumbed through it. Suddenly, I saw an eye looking back at me! After the initial shock, I realized that it was my Uncle Charles' glass eye! When I gave it back to him, he had been wondering whatever happened to it. Whenever I hear about Aunt Ruby's glass eye (I had an Aunt Ruby, too), I think of the one that was looking at me!

My Tuna Moment happened a few years ago when I was living in Gwinnett County, Georgia. Although Gwinnett is near Atlanta, its red-neck traditions are still alive and well. The case in point was a County Commission meeting held to decide whether to permit the construction of a Hindu temple in a residential neighborhood. The neighbors were united in opposition, with one quoted in the local paper as saying, "This is a Christian, God- fearing neighborhood, and we don't want no Hindus ruining our property values. Hell, they've already ruined all the Dairy Queens!"

Mother’s Day - Introduction

Mother’s Day tradition for Mama is shopping and lunch in town. That morning, Mama was ready to party, wearing mauve, double-knit pants, and coordinating, sleeveless, double-knit blouse with large floral print. Mama always says, "You can’t beat good double-knit." She must be right; she made those clothes 25 years ago. Comfort a priority, Mama wore beige canvas deck shoes with a 3" square cut from the top of each one so her toes wouldn’t rub. Mama limps and uses a crutch to help her get around. So, armed with her vinyl, drawstring purse and makeshift titanium crutch, Mama’s celebration began.

Mother’s Day Part 2

Now, there must be 20 lights between Mama’s house and town. So, head bowed, hands folded, and eyes closed, Mama prayed at every one of them. "Oh, Lord, please don’t let that light turn red." And having been granted a green light by God, our good Baptist mother rendered a prayer of thanks: "Thank you Lord for that good green light."

Thanks to Mama’s prayers, we made it to town. We shopped at Mama’s favorite places, dragging that crutch through green houses, craft shops, and book stores. Mama was like a bull in a china closet.

Mother’s Day Part 2 cont’d.

Besides her nervousness about stop lights, Mama is also concerned with the parking habits of others. Even with a permit to park in handicapped zones, Mama always feels threatened that someone will get "her" spot. As if other drivers could hear, Mama issued her threat: "Ooooh, you take that parking place and I’ll slit your throat with a dull butcher knife!" Mama knows that’s not good Baptist behavior, so she always followed up with another prayer of forgiveness and then one of thanks for a convenient parking spot.

Mother’s Day Part 3

Mama entered the restaurant with her crutch, and people in the lobby cleared a path that rivaled the parting of the Red Sea. Mama wielded that crutch like a light saber from Star Wars.

We’d walked in front of, or beside, Mama all day. Fearing injury ourselves, we walked behind Mama through the restaurant. Earlier in the day, we’d noticed the outfit, shoes, purse, the colorful clamps holding her hair net, and the crutch, we’d missed two clumps of hair in back of her head with hair rollers peeking out from underneath. We wondered whether she just forgot them, or if she couldn’t get them out.

Mother’s Day - Conclusion

The meal was pleasant. Mama’s conversations about her body parts that no longer worked the way they should was delightful as always. She finished by saying, "I hope you never get old." Now Mama loves us, but we can’t help wondering what that meant -- there’s only one alternative to aging.

The day ended with hugs all around and all of us looking forward to our next visit. A day with Mama is like a huge helping of Tuna!

I remember going to Paris, TX to visit my grandparents when I was a little girl. While there, my Aunt Dixie asked my sister and me if we had ever seen a dead person - we replied that we had not. Aunt Dixie promptly loaded us in the car and took us to the local funeral home. She marched us in, introduced us to the owner, and we had a personal visit with a recently deceased gentleman! A truly memorable experience that could have easily occurred in Tuna.

August, 1998 Tuna Tales

A few years ago I was in a restaurant in Tulsa with some friends. The waiter told us that the soup of the day was clam chowder. I asked him if it was New England Clam Chowder. He replied "No, we make it right here."

My brother(who bares a scary resemblance to "Rubber Sheets"),an ex-Tulsa County Deputy Sheriff, and I were out one day when we saw a man 6'8" and probably 135 lbs. I commented on how "lanky" he was, and my brother retorted "Hell, he could tread water in a garden hose!"

While at a family reunion in San Angelo, Texas, I was sitting on the back porch with my cousin, John Robert. We were discussing this and that over fried chicken and watermelon. At one point, ohn Robert grinned at me and proceeded to talk about one of our more attractive "distant" cousins. To emphasize his point, he then presented his "Little Black Book" where he had neatly tucked away a "Piggly Wiggly" receipt with here name, address, and phone number scrawled on the back. I'm ashamed to say that I had to argue for an hour about why dating his cousin was a bad idea.

My friend and I went to a downtown restaurant in our hometown of Wichita, KS for lunch. My friend opened her menu and found a dead fly squished between the pages. The waitress saw it, flicked it off with her fingers and opined "I just HATE it when that happens! I'll wash my hands before I come back!"

Aunt Vicki, her 2 kids, and her sister and brother-in-law were on a trip back to Tennesee. At one of their dinner stops, her son, Todd asked for some "taters". His mother immediately corrected him: "TODD!! It's not taters! It's PO-taters!"

I once taught( English and Theater) in a small east Texas town. During a parent/teacher conference I had a parent say to me, "I don't see no use for English. I graduated from this high school and I bet I haven't used a verb once since then."

My mother and I went into a resteraunt in Smithfield Va. and we heard a customer ask the waitress, "What comes with the peanutbutter and jelly?" Suzanne Walling, Gloucester Pt. Va.

New Years of 97 found Tuna Christmas playing Nashville, I invited friends from out of town for the weekend..Mark drove down from Indy, Andy came over from Memphis..along with 5 friends here in Nashville I invited everyone for cocktails before hand ...Andy had one two many ..thinking it would be ok..we drove to TPAC...once the play started Andy went to sleep...not a quiet sleep but a loud snoring sleep...VOdka will do that..(G)..after the show and dinner ..back at home ..Andy said he had enjoyed what he had seen but missed most of the play ...so in went the Tape .and 5 minutes into it he was a sleep..

My family, who resemble alot of the Tuna citizens are always coming up with some zanny stunts. However I feel that this one will rank right up there at the top. For some time now my aunt and uncle (who is 6'4) have been members of a square dance club. This September at the Oklahoma State Fair they will be clogging to the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe”. Apparently my Aunt tells me that they really “get after it”! I wouldn’t miss this one for the world!

A friend and I were in Sedona Arizona one summer. Sedona at the time was a very small place. While shopping at a small tourist store, the lights went out all over town. Well, I thought of a quote I saw Aunt Pearl say while in Houston on an interview with channel 13. I looked at my friend and said... Aunt Pearl said a mouse knocked radio station OKKK of the air in Tuna. I wonder if it is the same darn mouse here in Sedona? Well, the local people herd me. We had to leave Sedona. For some reason they did not understand my Texas or should I say Tuna humor!!!

While eating lunch in a small local restaurant in nashville after seeing Greater Tuna, one of my friends stated in his best Aunt Pearl voice"Why this heat is just unchristian" the waitress overheard and said"yep, it hot as hell, but if ya scoot over here, there's an air vent!" We hooted!

October, 1998 Tuna Tales

My grandmother and her sisters, who grew up in Pecan Gap, Texas, used to travel on occasion to their ancestral home near Mountain Home, Ark. During one such trip, they had car problems. A man stopped, looked under the hood and determined the car was low on oil. A quart or two later, they were back on the road. My Aunt Edna said, "Weren't we lucky that man had an oil stick?"

I was in a local pharmacy when a truck driver arrived and told one of the clerks he was there to make a plant delivery. "Oh," she said, personally interested, "Do you have any rubber plants?" "No, ma'am," he replied, "they're all LIVE plants."

My Dad always has a colorful way of describing things. When we were talking about a political race in my home town of Sulphur Springs, Dad describe one cadidate as being "so crooked, he has to screw his boots on". I don't think Daddy voted for him.

December, 1998 Tuna Tales

My sons visited their father each Christmas, always returning with an array of gifts. One year I met them at the airport, and they announced their favorite gift from Dad: a 3-1/2 foot snake!! The flight attendant burst out laughing. They had an ice chest, and I asked if the snake was in it. "No", they said, "it's in our duffle bag" (which had traveled with the luggage). "This is his food!" The ice chest contained frozen mice.

The snake survived the trip, and resided with us for several years, until he mistook my thumb for a mouse.

Last year I had a garage sale and cleared the house of a lot of junk just before the holidays. As it got closer and closer to Christmas my husband began to act like the Cheshire Cat. As the day drew closer and closer, I couldn't help but notice that I didn't have any gifts under the tree. Christmas morning everyone had opened their presents and my husband said now its your turn and boy! do I have something you will love. He started to bring in these large extremely heavy boxes. Dirty and unwraped. I sat there with all eyes on me and opened all the old Readers Digest Condensed Books that I had just sold.

Driving my stepson to school one AM, he commented that it sure seemed dark, probably because it was cloudy. I replied that the days were getting shorter, and soon we'd be driving to school completely in the dark. "Wow," he said, "the days are getting shorter? Will I get more sleep?"

Riding the bus one day several years ago, I overheard two sweet little old ladies discussing the problem of cult religions. "If all those young people over in Korea and India and places like that would read their Bibles every day like they've been taught to do, they wouldn't be trying these crazy things!" said one. Her friend agreed with her.

My older sister who is a stewardess and another stewardess friend decided to follow my advise and see Alaska. Using their free tickets on a lark they flew to Fairbanks for Christmas holiday! They were downtown and since it was 40-45 below they popped into every bar /resturant to get warm but in each place they got propositioned immediately, finally they asked why do we get propostioned immediately everywhere we go? The man replied "If you aren't Professional women what in the hell are you doing in Fairbanks in December!"

My roomate and I celebrated Christmas together last year. He knows I'm from Texas and try to prove to him we are bigger than California -- his home state by proving everything in Texas is bigger. Well to make a long story short It was just the two of us and a local store gave us a coupon for a free turkey 8 to 22 pounds. Of course wanting to prove my point I told him I was going to make a Texas size turkey. I went for the 22 pound end. My good roaster didn't hold the bird I could only get 1 leg/theigh quarter in there with everything else hanging and drooping over the side. Then I had a delima of what was I going to do with this dead bird the Petty Fisk would be upset with me buying. I went to the store and got a disposable roasting pan that was big enough to hold it. Hard part was getting it out of the oven and pan to carve it. I swear the thing was bigger than Texas itself...it seemed to have expanded on me while it cooked. After lunch was over I had to remove all th meat off the bones in use all my cookwear for leftovers. I had at elast 5 pots with turkey in it. I decided to use it up and make soup. There was so much meat it turned out to be more of a Turkey Gumbo than soup. This year I am doing a Rhode Island Christmas....small.

For years, all my family got together at our house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. One year, we were feverlishly working to get it ready all at once and onto the table. The oven was crowded and when I shoved the candied yams in, they were too close to the burners and caught fire. Alarms went off,the house filled with smoke, we had to get the box fan out of the attic and open all the windows to clear out the smoke. We sat down, eyes watering and shivering from cold, but a good time was had by all.

One-year my father picked out a 12-ft tree to go into our 10.5-ft living room. After cutting a few inches off the tree, he said it was ready to put up. We kept telling him that the tree was to tall, but he would not listen. So with a mighty push, up went the tree, right through the ceiling. This was the last year he went with us. I had the responsibility of "wiring" the tree. Our tree stand could not support the trees we bought, so we ran wire from the tree to nails located in the wall.

My Mother is German and married a GI from mid-state Louisiana. He was restationed in Kansas and naturally took us both with him. It was her first time in the US and her knowledge of the language was still fresh.

After settling in and getting acclimated, she got a job at a newspaper. The environ- ment quickly added to her vocabulary and her usage of words grew exponentially.

One day she was particularly frustrated as a customer had offended her in some fashion. She proceeded to tell my father all about her horrible day and how those people were two faced in their actions and didn't practice what they preached. To use her words they were a bunch of "hippocraps"!

WELL EVERY YEAR I GUESS YOU COULD SAY WE HAVE A "CHRISTMAS PHANTOM", THEY COME AND STEAL CHRISTMAS LIGHTS AND OUR CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS FROM THE FROMT YARD. WE'VE NEVER CAUGHT THE "PHANTOM" BUT WE HAVE OUR GUESSES, AND I HATE TO SAY THIS BUT THEY ARE JUST LIKE STANLEY.

This year at Christmas, I drove to my sister's place just outside of Alto (a Tuna sized town up 59 from Houston). One of the things the whole family planned to do for entertainment was watch the "A Tuna Christmas" video Mom had just given Dad as one of his gifts.

The whole family was sprawled about the living room, deeply caught up in the drama unfolding before us. We city folks (from Houston) were howling at the antics, enjoying ourselves and the satire immensely! When the tape was over, the kids ambled off to a bedroom to play with their toys, when my niece was overheard to say "I don't understand what was so funny about that."

You see, she's lived in the piney woods in East Texas for several years now . . . and doesn't remember much before the small town atmosphere. She actually KNOWS these people, and listens to a radio station equivalent to OKKK! This was "normal" to her, and she didn't understand what we saw that was so hilarious!

At age 32, my ex-college roommate & I, both teachers, finally took a Florida Spring Break together. We rented a great townhouse from my parents' friends not far from famous Ft. Lauderdale. Trying to conserve our funds, we decided to cook a chicken for dinner. We even found a Perdue chicken (from Maryland!) We put it in the electric oven, only to find the oven not working. So, we cut it up and tried to fry it on the stove. Then, the stove went dead, but the oven came on! So, we quickly popped the 1/2 fried chicken pieces back into the oven, but as soon as we did, the oven expired again! We finally threw our hands in the air & went out to dinner. Turns out, my roommate was allergic to Polynesian food and we ended up at the local hospital, where they wouldn't take out-of-state health insurance until I told them our half-baked tale. Damn.............chicken!

One Christmas Eve my family was discussing how comercialization of the holidays had ruined the religious meaning. My grandmother asserted that she just couldn't believe there were people who didn't believe in the baby Jesus, so the discussion turned into a creation vs. evolution argument, which ended abruptly when my brother said, "But Meme, what about fossils and all the scientific evidence? What do you think about the dinosaurs?" "Well," she replied matter-of-factly, "I just don't think about them."

One year, Dad and his friend Bill went to cut our Christmas tree. With a hand-saw, a skimpy rope and a "pint," they set off to find the perfect tree. It was only about 15 degrees, so that pint, stowed under the driver’s seat, came in handy. They found a beautiful tree, or so I’m told. By the time they got it back to the jeep, they were frozen clear to the bone. Thank goodness for the pint! Each took a swig and then tied the tree to the jeep, using the spare tire as an extra anchor. One swig for the road and they started home.

The trip was long and cold. But a couple more sips for medicinal purposes got them home none the worse for wear. Everyone was excited! Dad came inside and started describing that tree - how tall - how full - how green! And what needles - soft and firm! We couldn't wait. Suddenly Bill came dragging the tree inside - broken and dirty. It had fallen off of the back of the jeep at some point, but as there was one knot tied securely, the tree made it home - not on the back of the jeep, but BEHIND the jeep. As Dad looked at that tree, he exclaimed, "Well, damn, Bill, I didn’t notice that bad side when we cut that tree down, did you?"

We had gobs of Kroger Turkey Bucks and therefore ended up with a HUGE Christmas turkey. It must have weighed 22 lbs. Mom put the turkey inside the oven and calculated that it would be ready about 12:30PM. At 1:30PM the pop up timer had not popped up; 3PM came with still no success. Throughout the afternoon various family members would shout, "I heard it, I heard it pop up" and run open the oven door only to find the timer still intact. About 5PM that timer FINALLY popped up tall, we had missed lunch but dinner was wonderful.

January, 1999 Tuna Tales

This Christmas Mama gave my husband and me one of them $200 Spread Spectrum 900 MHz cordless phones 'cuz I wanted to be able to carry my phone next door to Mama's house and not miss any calls. I asked my husband to test it out. . .said, "Take this phone over to Mama's and call me." When he returned, I asked him what happened because our phone hadn't rung. "Well," he said, "I dialed our number, but the line was always busy."

Mama thinks we're too stupid to have a $200 phone.

P.S. See you Jan. 3 in Austin.

March, 1999 Tuna Tales

When I worked for the telephone company a few years ago in customer service and you get to talk all sorts of crazy folks. One was this little old lady who complained that the cord attached to the phone jack was too long and she kept tripping over it. We explained that we could have a technician come out there but she could go to the store to buy a shorter cord.She didnt want to bother with it herself. We told her it would be a week before we could get someone out there to which she replied, "You dont need to send anyone out for goodness sakes -- just pull it in a little from your end and it should be fine!"

When I worked in a bank, one of our customers came in to see why she had checks bouncing all over town. After checking her balance and reviewing her check register, it was apparent that she had, in fact, written checks for more than her deposits. As I was trying to explain simple math, adding deposits, subtracting checks, all she could say was, "I thought as long as I had checks, I had money in the bank." (Forget the fountain of YOUTH, we need a fountain of SMARTS)

My mother-in-law came to visit us here in Texas last summer from Wisconsin. We took her to all the sites. SouthFork, Billy Bob's, and the Stock Yards. After a few days of site seeing around the Dallas Ft. Worth metroplex, she finally comments the the roads down here are very bumpy. Without hessitation, I told her that the ground never settled from all the stampeeds and cattle drives. Her reply, "oh". How long should I let her believe this?

It was Halloween, and the entire faculty and staff of the school where I am secretary were in costume. The film in the very old laminator needed changing and as I tackled the job, my Annette Funicello "extra endowments" got caught in the rollers. After calling for help, Fred Flintstone (school principal) and Puff the Magic Dragon (teacher's aide) ran to my rescue. Warily, Fred grabbed the fornt of my sweater and yanked (praying I didn't know about sexual harassment.) Within an hour we were all the talk over lunch at the City Cafe.

Working once in a surgical intensive care unit, I had the patients husband and adult daughter come to see thier family member for the first visit after surgery. They were both very country people, and when I had completed my explanation of tubes, monitors etc, I asked if they had any questions. The father stepped out of the room, leaving me with the daughter, who just stared straight ahead. I continued to talk to her, and realized she was staring straight ahead, not responding and starting to slide down the wall. I grabbed a chair, seated her, and kept calling her name. In a few minutes, she appeared OK. When her father came in I asked him if she had a history of seizures. He looked at me funny, then said, "Oh you mean her spells?, Yeah she did that once before in the WalMart, she was a lookin at some cloth and commenced to slide down. I just picked her up, laid her up on the counter there, came back a little later and she was fine...

Our Office Manager instructed the Receptionist (Regina Mae) to go get some potting soil. We had an annoying gnat problem thanks to the office plants. Regina Mae, normally a ray of sunshine but who was on this day was full of vinegar, put her hands on her hips and in her Mesquite accent testified, "And ay'll tell yew somethin' else, I ain't gonna go git dat der pottin' soil!" She didn't realize that the Office Manager, nice but all-business, came up behind her and overheard the whole thing! Needless to say, Miss Regina was off to the store within about five minutes, taking her Mesquite attitude along with her.

When I interviewed for a job at an investment office they asked me what I thought my weekness was. I told them I could not spell. After I got the job I guess I set out to prove it by mailing annual statements to everyone of their clients with desert instead of dessert used in the cover letter. The first thing you hope for when you do something like this is that no one will notice and the second thing is that no one will say anything. Of course both happened when by bosses old high school english teacher called to let him know about it.

I was working with a new residency graduate at a clinic recently, when this formerly innocent, now worldly-wise doctor enterred our conference room hysterical with suppressed laughter. She had just been asked by a young man why his "you know what" didn't work right, as in, why it doesn't shoot several feet "like it does in those movies". Merely mentioning this story in the conference room still reduces all of us to tears... Or can you print that???

My grandmother once came up to New York to see me. We went to a restaurant where our waiter that wouldn't leave the poor woman alone, so enthralled was he by her South Alabama accent. Grandma ordered the fried chicken ("It's not bad, but haven't these people ever heard of salt, pepper, and paprika?"), and the waiter came by as she raised a let to her mouth and asked "I've always wanted to know why Southerners always eat fried chicken with their fingers." Without mising a beat, Grandma said "Because you Yankees stole all of our silverware." She bit into the leg and the waiter finally left her alone.

When I was in Junior High, my family moved from a little town in West Texas to the heart of Cajun Country, near the coast in Louisiana. One summer evening as we sat down to supper, we realized we weren't gonna have enough ice for our ice tea. I was sent next door to borry some ice from the nice elderly cajun couple next door. Imagine the anquished look on the man's face when I asked, in my West Texas accent, if I could borrow some "ahs!" He thought I wanted some a**! It took a while to overcome our dialect differences!

I was in the hospital emergency room with chest pains and the patient next to me had been given LSD by her grandson to help a headache. Needless to say, she was not coherent. She kept calling "Nurse, Nurse" to which my nurse replied "Patient, Patient". As I lay observing this volley, the doctor in charge came into ER to which the lady next to me said, "Hey, A**h*** come here. This dedicated professional quietly walked over and replied to the lady, "That's Dr. A**h*** to you!"

April, 1999 Tuna Tales

Part of my job requires me to represent my company at the local Chamber of Commerce for a small Oregon town. Since the town is located in a somewhat rural area, it doesn't have the same conveniences as bigger cities, and business owners are sensitive to what is needed to bring tourists into the town. As it is a small community, any event that brings the town closer to civilization is cause for celebration. Thus, it was a true "Tuna Moment" when I received a VIP invitation to the grand opening of the town's new public toilet.

Hello

Being Chief of Police in a small central Texas town has it's moments. But my "Tuna Moment" came when the Mayor (a 60+ year old lady) told me and my patrolman that "picking up her wig at the sylist shop in the next town over was more important than patroling the city streets." Being our boss - The wig was retrieved.

Our 10yr old MG-TD roadster broke down and was towed to Sheffield TX as we drove to the east coast from California with Hawaii license plates.As the locals came out to see this strange car one asked,"did you drive all the way?"

I am a veterinarian in the Houston area. Once a lady came in with her little poodle. I don't remember much about the patient, but the owner could have BEEN Aunt Pearl! She had the dress, the purse, the glasses, the hair...accent, too. It was difficult for me to hold a conversation without breaking out laughing! I'm sure she never had a clue that she made my day.

My wife, who hails from Seminole, Texas, and I were first exposed to Tuna via family friends in Arlington. We were, therefore, compelled to see "A Tuna Christmas" when it played Seattle. When Didi walked out in that cowgirl outfit complete with red boots, Carmen and I turned to eachother and said, in unison, "LaVerne", her sister-in-law. We're still wondering how many family reunions the boys have been uninvited to since Greater Tuna openned.

While exhibiting at a trade show, I came upon an overstuffed recliner unit. The unit had his/her country blue recliners with a built-in radio in the middle. "Her" chair had a built-in telephone, "his" chair had a remote. My associate and I were laughing hysterically at this monstrosity....we sat down and I said, "Dang! The only thang this here chair needs is a 'fridg'rator!" The salesman overheard me, ran over, wiped the tobacco from his chin, and proudly opened up the console between the chairs to reveal a BUILT IN REFRIGERATOR!!!!!!

Cupholders free of charge.....

I work for the local telephone company and I had someone call to complain that their caller id was not working becuz when he called himself from someone else's house, the name on the display unit wasn't his and when he called himself from a pay phone the name on the display wasn't his, he thought that caller ID would pick up his fingerprints from the keypad to ID him. When I explained that caller id uses listed information to display who's calling he got very upset and disconnected his service saying he was going to use a different phone company, which struck me funniest of all

My first experience with Tuna Christmas was in November '95 at the Wortham Theater in Houston. I had gone with my sweetie's siblings and their significant others (early Christmas gift from their mom). When Vera Carp clapped her hands together ordering "Lupe! Lupe! Don't you put that fur coat in the dryer! Lupe!?" All the sisters simultaneously turned in the direction of their mother and just all started laughing. Turns out, when they were all growing up, their mom always clapped her hands just like Vera Carp! It was a classic moment...maybe you had to be there but it was TOO FUNNY! Long live Tuna!

This is a true story..the names are real.. At mother's bridge game a few weeks ago the conversation turned to the death of poor Rudd Rossebeau (female). Jean Dwelly asked if anyone had been down to view the body. Well, if not, she just wanted to warn them. Rudd had always made it known she had severe claustrophopia and did not want to be put in a box. Also, she had lived in South Texas all her life where the heat is just unchristian and so she sure did not want to be creamated! So, if you go down to view the body you will find her propped up in a barcolounger the funeral home borrowed from Edwards Furniture in downtown, Alice, Texas. It was just like she had fallen asleep while knitting an afghan. Now, Jean Dwelly reported she looked very peaceful just sitting there with an afghan over her lap. Doug Brandis (female) who was also playing bridge that day asked, "Well honey, was she wearing any shoes?" Dixie Butler(the Vera Carp of the group) chimed in and said, "Why yes she was, a pair of house slippers." I'm not sure what is funnier,...the fact that Doug Brandis asked if she had on shoes, or the fact that Dixie Butler knew the answer because the question had obviously crossed her mind while at the funeral home and she obviously had lifted up the afghan to see for herself! When mother told me this story, I knew if must be straight out of Tuna!

Living in New Mexico presents quite a cross section of people. Our state is very diversified and incorporates many different cultures into it's identity. My "Tuna Moment" happened when some friends of mine came to visit from Tyler, Texas. When I took them shopping for Indian jewelery in the plaza in Santa Fe, my friend Jeradee turned to me and said, "Brian, y'all's Mexicans don't look like our Mexicans." At that, I turned and replied, "Jeradee, have you ever wondered why they call it INDIAN jewelery?"

Last week my son lost his retainer in the school lunch trash. The next day I had the unpleasant job of searching through the school lunch trash for it. The cook was trying to get our hispanic janitor (who doesn't speak much english) to help retrieve the bags of trash for my search. The cook kept saying GAR-BAGE BAAAGS! GARR-BAGE BAAAAGS! I'm sure she had NEVER seen Greater Tuna in her life. Finally, one of the older students was brought in to translate. But, that was my Vera Carp moment.

My dad tells the story of an "Aunt Pearl" type in a little Kansas town back when daylight savings time started (around the second world war?) This thoughtful lady remarked, "I just don't like this idea of adding another hour to the day. My roses can't stand one more hour of sunlight!!" (Just saw Red, White and Tuna and loved it almost as much as Tuna Christmas!)

October, 1999 Tuna Tales

At our office, I've converted many a Tunacolyte by doing my "Vera Carp" - warning the forever-offstage Virgil to behave in the funeral parlor. "Virgil! Quit it now!" is always followed by the horizontal hand clap and topped off by the single warning index finger! Even those who have never seen a single TUNA (unfortunate as they are) know the hilarious hand jive.

Once, during a staff meeting when a few "rules were sternly re-iterated", I caught the eye of a co-worker and TUNA virin who silently followed-up the boss's berating with the classic Vera hand jive! I had all I could do not to bust out laughing! After the meeting, I laughed so hard they almost had to throw a glass of iced tea over me to make me settle!

"I've been to Waco." JoeBob's famous saying, has come out of my mouth a few times... altho, with the national news of the Waco disaster and CIA coverup, I have decided to just stick to my Vera Carp horizontal hand slap and warning... " Lupe!! " My best friend Jean who we have seen all Tunas many times, always understands tho! We do multiple Xmas trees.. all with a theme.. our new one will probably a Tuna Tree!!

My ex-husband, Donald, and I went out for a romantic dinner at the top of a restauratnt in VA ... he was being sooo cool when he ordered a CRAVAT of wine... I told the waiter.. we wanted to tie one on..... something that could have come from Joe Bob....

Being in an ICU waiting room may seem like a wierd place to have a TUNA moment but I had one. My mom was in the hospital and this lady who was Vera and Bertha rolled into one was on the phone in the waiting room. She went on not caring who was listening about her son in law and how sorry he was. She also lamented about her daughters cooking, seems spaghetti is not done unless you can throw it on the ceiling and have it stick. Then, she went into telling me about what the dish and tomato's do to her. Never know when you will have a moment.

Years ago the hillbillies got together with the rednecks when my parents and I drove all the way from Charleston, WV to have Thanksgiving dinner with my brother and his new in-laws in Lufkin, Texas. Aunt Zoy (Pearl) was so proud of the stuffing she had contributed to the luncheon and insisted we all have heaping helpings. The next day was spent miserably as 15 of us took turns with the porcelain throne. Zoy later admitted that she'd kept her tangy dressing in the sun so that it'd be nice and warm in time for dinner. Pearl, would you like the recipe for salmonella dressing?

Seeing that I was "tunaized" about fifteen years ago, I consider myself an addict. I watch the video at least once a week, including "Tuna Christmas" in the middle of summer. Sad to say but the Buhmillers and Burris' ARE my family. They however do not find the humor in the comparisons. I have tunaed my coworkers also. I work in retail and inadvertatnly when we are on break or if we see a customer in the store that reminds us of one of the characters, we break into a scene. The other day this woman who had to be Didi's twin sister Dottie, in her little flower peckered housedress and headscarf, walked by us and we just started in,"R.R., GOOOOOOOd Damn IT!" Well she came over and sat down next to us and started watching us, opened her handbag pulled out a transister radio and started eating a sandiwch. I thought we would die laughing. I think we were out tunaed because I truly think she had relocated North to Ohio.

November, 1999 Tuna Tales

When I was a little girl I used to go with my grandmother to the grocery store. She knew everybody and always stopped to chat in the narrow aisles, blocking a through passage for other shoppers. One time a man told my grandmother to "shut her yapping and move on down the aisle" to which she responded "Well, I never!" The lady with whom she was chatting proceed to remove her haircurlers from her blue mane and hurl them at the man, who ducked and the ran from the store.

MY YEARS AS A BANK TELLER, I SAW MANY A STRANGE THING. ONE THATS STICKS IN MY MIND WAS A LARGE LADY (AUNT PEARL TYPE) WHO WAS A REGULAR CUSTOMER ON THE THIRD OF THE MONTH, THE DAY SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS WERE DELIVERED. AFTER CASHING HER CHECK, SHE SLOWLY PROCEEDED TO THE DOOR, WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HER UNDERPANTS WERE DOWN AT HER ANKLES. WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT SHE KICKED THEM OFF HER FEET AND PICKED 'EM UP AND STUFFED THEM IN HER PURSE AND TURNED TO US AND STATED "DANG THESE WERE A BRAND NEW PAIR", AND HEADED OUT THE DOOR. LEAVING US SPEECHLESS!

While attending a 50th wedding celebration for my parent's best friends in Burnet, TX, I commented to my Daddy as we stood in line for barbeque that we were related to everyone else in line behind us (10 or 12 people). Daddy looked around the room of 150 or so guests and said in his great country drawl "Hell I imagine we're related to just about everybody in the room one way or another:..." and we probably were.

i love tuna

lunch with my sister in her cowgirl dress, my mother in her hat, (like the Queen mother wears). at the antique mall, . I was telling them ,i bought , green onins, tomatoes, when my sister snapped,"does this story have an end!?!?" " are you eating healthier?, she says? "Good" She says. my mother says, "I was layin' in my bed the other night," Don't go there", says my sister, then mom continued" "you know how slow Jeanne is? , it was about how eggs are fertililzed, i thought she had to be the fastest one!" . sister said, "Aliens, abducted them , Aliens!!"

Just this week our small town had a parade to celebrate the grand opening of the new H.E.B. grocery store in town. My brother being a loyal employee of the other grocery store in town tried his best to be excused from having to march in the parade with the band. After all negotiations failed, the senior and band captain proceeded to tape a sign to his tuba that said "I love my Brookshires" (the other local grocery store) and wear his company cap and nametag. He then marched in front of the local newspaper photographer.

When my grandmother died several years ago, my sister and I were going thru her things to give to her friends. One of her friends called one afternoon and wanted to know what we were going to give her,stating "I don't want somethin' little and tacky-I want somethin' BIG." Needless, to say we were somewhat taken-aback but finally decided to send her all of grandmother's yarn (a considerable amount) as she was a rather heavy lady and sat in her chair knitting all day. I imagine she is knitting still....

TX isn't the only state with "Tuna Atmosphere". While visiting my parents in the MO Ozarks, we were listening to the local radio for the weather forecast. It was announced, that it was 'raining cats and dogs on the north side of the square and the sun was "ashining" on the south, so you might want to get your shopping done on the south side first today in hopes the storm would continue north and you could miss it altogether.

As a 16 year old, ready to drive my way to adulthood, I was anxious to get my first car. For months I asked my folks when I could get a car, and always I ended my plea by saying, "And I don't care what kind of car it is as long as it has a good radio." One day, my dad replied, "Well, hell, if all you want is a good radio, I'll strap a transistor on your back and you can walk up and down the street!"

As a 16 year old, ready to drive my way to adulthood, I was anxious to get my first car. For months I asked my folds when I could get a car, and always I ended my plea by saying, "And I don't care what kind of car it is as long as it has a good radio." One day, my dad replied, "Well, hell, if all you want is a good radio, I'll strap a transistor on your back and you can walk up and down the street!"

As a 16 year old, ready to drive my way to adulthood, I was anxious to get my first car. For months I asked my folds when I could get a car, and always I ended my plea by saying, "And I don't care what kind of car it is as long as it has a good radio." One day, my dad replied, "Well, hell, if all you want is a good radio, I'll strap a transistor on your back and you can walk up and down the street!"

Our small town of Lewisburg, TN has no fear of Y2K. When we went to have our water turned on for the first time, the blue-haired matron was adamant that we did not have city water and that we should search for our well. Once we conviced her that the former owners had city water, she then looked them up in her database - a shoebox filled with 3X5 cards. We were duly entered and now enjoy sporatic indoor water. Y2K doesn't scare us but our water department does.

During my waitering days in Houston I once served a couple who looked like large, pink, ambulatory beach balls. They ordered the largest surf & turf (substituting a larger steak for the filet and adding a extra lobster tail), potato (sour cream AND butter), all three vegetables, ice tea, AND wine. And "could we have more bread?" Playing with them a little, I asked "would you also like the sauteed mushrooms?" Mrs. Beach Ball's response was "are they fattening?"

I nearly busted a gut.

I have an Great Aunt that is getting on in her years,but is still fairly active, however all of her childeren were concerned that she did not follow her doctors advice very. They talked to the Doctor and he advised them to bring her in and he would put a little scare in her. Arriving at his office he sat down with her and began to explain how she wasn't a spring chicken anymore and needed to follow his orders, he said " I will just be blunt with you Mrs. Gentry , Have you ever been bedridden?" To which she replied "well hell yes and once or twice in a buggy" Needless to say the talk with the Dr. did little good.

This October, a friend of mine had just finished breakfast in Lampassas and was heading out of town to go bird hunting. A ways down the road his eye was caught by a navity scene in somebody's front yard. This was kind of odd considering the time of year. But what really knocked his socks off was the way the scene was decorated. Along with Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the animals were scattered ghosts, goblins, and pumpkins. I guess it make sense considering that it was Halloween.

a tuna came up and tryed to eat my sadwitch and did not succeed

my tuna came up and tryed to eat my ice cream

It could only happen in Wal-Mart or (Wal-Marks) as some pronounce it here in Arab, AL. (no joke!) A friend and I were in the lingerie department when an older genteleman approached us. To me he sdays,"Hey little lady, you're just about my wife's size. Would these pajamas fit her? Naive me--I start to explain.My friend begins to chuckle and holds up some sexy panties to embarrass me. The old guy, never missing a beat, says, "Madam, I've been married 53 years and I haven't wore that thang out yet!" My friend and I who are never at a loss for words had finally met our Tuna-ish match!

Being from a small town in Oklahoma, we didn't get to the really big cities very much, one summer we went on vacation to my mother's brothers house in Dallas. We didn't know how to get to his house so he said he would meet us on the main street. My sister and I were in back seat when we stopped at a red light. My mom looked up and yelled Thars Jr. (hip) she started choking on her spit and began wavering her arms, she jumped out of the car with arms still above her head and began running down the meridian. My Dad jumped out and ran after her, we began sinking down to the floorboard so knowone would see us and her brother who was in opposite side drove past them without stopping. She finally settled down to get her breath, traffic was jammed for two miles and her brother didn't show up for 15 minutes.

Back in the '70s, a local desperado made his escape from the state penitentary, and hid out downtown... when the state police & DOC cars arrived en masse, our local sheriff stood out in the intersection directing traffic with a gun in one hand and a bottle of Wild Turkey in the other...

as an employee at blockbuster i see all different types of people. One day i was standing at my register and a man walked in with a bald python wrapped around his neck. when my manager approached him he told my manager not to worry,the snake had not eaten in weeks.

February, 2000 Tuna Tales

Fifty-five years ago Helen was visiting her sister, Margaret. Working on fixing supper, Helen grabbed the first chicken in the yard and cut off its head. Alex who came from out of state to visit his brother, Margaret's husband, drove up at this time. The body of the headless chicken flew up Helen's dress flapping around wildly, placed Helen in a compromising and exposing(!) situation. Alex offering to help, removed the chicken from under Helen's dress. One year later, I was born to Alex and Helen who fell in love over a Tunaesque moment and a simple country supper.

A long way from Tuna, TX but just laughed my way through "RED, WHITE, AND TUNA" in California. Took me back to another Tuna-type-town, Ohope Beach, New Zealand: Stopping at a shop for ice cream, my husband told me to see if the daily newspaper was in yet...the NZ Herald. Since this was his hometown and he seemed to know everyone in it, I thought he said "Harold". I sauntered to the counter, asking if this fellow Harold was in yet. With clerk's confused look, I suddenly realized just exactly what my husband had asked. Backing out of the shop, I stammered-out "Oh, never mind, I was meaning the NEWSPAPER Herald !" (Darn cityfolk, don't know what they're saying.)

TRUE TUNA VALENTINE'S DAY STORY As a Fire Captain in Hawaiian Gardens, CA, we were called to rescue an escaped parakeet from a (possibly tuna) tree. On this drizzly day we put a ladder to the roof next to the escapees abode. I valiantly climbed the ladder and attempted to coax the beast with some millet. I slipped on the wet moss covered roof and fell. Unable to stand up or capture the gleeful bird, I slid on my butt on the moss and made an awkward retreat down the ladder. Unsuccessful, I did spend a long evening in the emergency room with my wife on Valentine's Day. A True Tuna Delight!

Thom moved. What possible place but yonder in the paw paw patch. He knew that Didi’s husband had been taken into space. (It’s on our gar-un-tee, If you cain’t kill it, bring it back and we’ll find something that WILL, exhale!) He was meditating and had a vision but because he didn’t have his glasses on the vision wasn’t clear. He’s attending the next Tuna High School reunion with a traveling Psychic Fair so ask him to clarify this for ya. He’ll be wearing his Tuna letterman’s jacket. Something must have happened in the huddle on that last game?

Being from a very small town, I had to find fun in my family. My Uncles, John and Gerald, are constantly playing jokes on each other. One New Year's Eve, I decided I was gonna get things started by lighting a 1000 pack of Black Cats on my Uncle John's front porch in the middle of the night. Assuming it was Gerald, John payed a man to strap two sticks of dynamite high in a pine tree top above Gerald's house. Windows were broken all over town. It ended with a visit from the Sheriff and the Mayor to Uncle John's...luckily, they all play cards together on Thursday nights.

My friends and I had stopped in this quaint little diner in Arkansas for a bite to eat. We ordered the mozerella sticks, but were surprised that no marinera sauce was available. We asked the waitress to bring us some...she returned with ketchup! We bring the error to her attention, but she returned again with salsa. We finally break down and say " spaghetti sauce" and finally the little light bulb goes on and she replies, "Oh, we ain't got none of that stuff here." She truely one my Einstein of the day award.

I love Greater Tuna so much that I often find myself quoting the script at the most in opportune times, and consequently my love life. For our anniversary I thought I would surprise her a little. So I took her to the only dive in town with a saw-dust floor and wads of chew on the floor.(truley tuna) Well she got a kick out of the place and we had a few drinks then we had a few more....ect. According to her(I don't remember any of this) I stood up on the table a recited Charlene's famous MY TUNA poem. I guess everyone clapped, and she said she wants to stay home next valentines day.

I was in the car with my bf when a song I know came on. I started singing it, then reached out an took my bf's soda (still singing) stopped the song, took a long drink, and when I finished my gulp, with the end of the song. It didn't hit me that I had pulled a Vera, until Chris (mr boyfriend) started looking at me like I was insane.

March, 2000 Tuna Tales

I had never seen the "Tuna" shows or videos. On a whim I bought 'Tuna Christmas'. I fell in love on the spot at first viewing. I had no idea how extremely funny it was. That monday I went to work and was chatting about non-stop. I work in surgery as a scrub nurse and shared my joy with all my colleagues and co-workers. I was scrubbed in on a Abdominal Hysterectomy and said to the surgeon, "Doctor, have you ever seen Tuna Christmas?". She turned to me and, without missing a beat, said and clapped her hands, "Virgil, put the baby down now!" Needless to say she and I fell out laughing. I never realized the widespread phenomenon of 'Tuna'. Bravo.

I have been an avid "Tuna" fan since the 80's...first introduced by watching "Greater Tuna" on HBO. I recorded that performance, and have since added to my collection. In the 90's I opened and ran a Medicare Certified Hospice, for the care of dying patients. Tuna had been known only to me and a few select friends, or so I thought. At the funeral of a hospice patient, it was mentioned in his eulogy that he loved "Greater Tuna". Despite the somber atmosphere, I had to smile. But then the loss became more personal to me...it is always more difficult to lose a fellow "Tuna" fan.

My husband and I saw "Greater Tuna" and "A Tuna Christmas" with friends at in Washington, D.C. in the 90's. We all swear that we are related to the people in the play. Since then we moved to Tampa, FL and our friends moved to Kenya, AFRICA. They are home for 6 month work furlow and in D.C. area. They saw the ad for "Red,White&Tuna" called us and booked tickets for the play. Our son and daughter-in-law live in D.C. area and trying to get us to visit for 3 YEARS. We couldn't get it together to go. But, when we were asked to visit the "Third Smallest Town in Texas," we couldn't refuse the invite. We booked a Flight and are going to D.C. especially to see TUNA. WE CAN'T WAIT!!

While working at a local video store, I was privy to more than a few, ahem, "dumb clucks." Nothing beat the time when a popular movie had just been released on video. A woman came in and angrily demanded her money back for the movie she had just purchased. I popped the movie into the nearest VCR, and told the woman there was nothing wrong with it. "There is too!" she stormed. "Can't you see those black lines across the top and bottom of the movie?" I just didn't have the heart to tell her she had purchased the widescreen edition. I gave her a pan-scan edition and waited until she left to start giggling.

Once back in my small hometown, and in my youth, we were planning a keg party for some old friends we had gone to college with. While planning this reunion, someone spoke up and said "Hey, why don't we have a goat roast? There's a goat tied up down the road. I hear goat meat tastes pretty good!" We had decided it would't hurt to "taste" one of the kegs since the reunion was the next day, and to make a long story short, the keg ended up empty and that goat ended up in the truck that night. I couldn't believe we did that. A year later, I was working in Memphis and a friend brought some of his frat brothers up to go out on the town. The next day I came home from work to a room full of mad frat boys. It appears that my friend had told them the goat story and it turned out to be their fraternity mascot! They used to run it around the college football field at home games and wondered whatever had happened to it! We didn't notice it's horns were painted red due to it being dark that night! All forgiven, we have never lived that down, but it turned out to be a pretty funny story since we found out that they had bought the goat to begin with to have a roast at their frat house! I quit drinking not long after that.

A professor friend of ours introduced us to TUNA in the early 80's. Later he drifted away and got involved with the wrong crowd. Eventually, he was found guilty of accessory after the fact. It's true, it's true...we actually knew someone who was convicted of "corpse meddling". Now I put it to ya, your honor, is that a true tuna story or what?!

My wonderful Grandmother at one point or other in her life MUST have lived in or passed through Tuna. She currently lives in Fort Wort and is in great need of the services of Petey Fisk at the moment because she has a problem: 11 possums have set up housekeeping in her bathroom closet. I spoke to her recently and I am indeed worried: "Mike," she said, "I finally got out my varmit cage. Last night I was sitting on the commode looking square in the eyes of one I'd caught in the cage and then, Lord if I didn't see another one walkin' down the hallway like he owned the place. I just thanked Jesus he was walking AWAY from the bedroom. I gotta to go now because there's another one caged on the front porch waiting for the animal services people. He looks like he's gonna die so I need to go feed it. I won't have a dead possum on my porch. Bye now!"

My grandma's favorite saying was "Oh, shit! When she died her daughter got a kind-hearted lady preacher to say her eulogy although the lady had never even met Bertha before in her life. On the day of the funeral, though, the preacher was there to do her best. She looked out over the crowd and said reverently, "If she were here today, I know what Bertha would say." She paused. She shouldn't have paused. That gave everyone in the place time to think of what Bertha would say and by the smiles and sniggers that were going around the room, they all were thinking it. Oh, Shit!

My high school was putting on a production of Greater Tuna. The play went smoothly until the scene with Hank and Jody. While the actor playing Jody was on the stage waiting for the radio to come on, the other actor was backstage fitfully trying to change into Bertha! Then he changed to the wrong costume again! All this time Jody was wandering around the stage pantomiming as many things as he could think of. The auditorium was silent - the radio never came on! Hank finally came out(his shirt half unbuttoned and a pants leg crammed into his boot).

April, 2000 Tuna Tales

I live next door to the Bertram,TX Church of Christ.One Sunday, my daughter was talking to her friend relating her drinking escapade from previous night. My daughter was unaware that her whole conversation was being overheard by the congregation during the Sunday morning service. My sister-in-law was attending the service and recognized my daughter's voice, so she came to let my daughter know to get off the phone. Needless to say...we don't use the cordless phone while services are being held.

My aunt in Arkansas recently passed. Her daughter, my cousin, was explaining the details to me ont the telephone and said that I could not be a pall bearer as I am a nephew too much like a son, therefore greatly needed to be seated among the children. However, our 2nd cousin who is more like a brother would do just fine. Unfortunately, I could not attend.

I was at work on a friday evening and just for fun because business was kind of slow I said "Watch Something Embarassing is GONNA happen to me tonite" needless to say after 4 1/2 hours of working , walking through the restaurant, bending over and picking up trays and taking orders I was unaware that my pants had rippred (in the rear) and it was about a 4 inch hole all the way down. Now since I was unaware of this it just made it all the more funny for the customers who eventually told me and i was extremely dumbfounded by the whole experienc ebut hey i'm actor so i played it off as if i'd known the whole time!

My great uncle, Willard, and his common law wife,Cooter, made their living digging graves and mowing lawns in a small Texas town. Most of the time they could be found sitting on the ledge in front of the barber shop with tobacco juice dripping down their chins. Since they were always together, folks would ask Willard, "Why don't you ever leave Cooter at home?" He would say," If I left her at home I'd have to kiss her goodby and she's too ugly to kiss goodby." Cooter would then just give a big tobacco stained grin.

When this happened I was a manager of The Olde West Dinner Theatre in Northeast Tennessee (now The Highlander Dinner Theatre). I was in the office working when the reservationist hangs up the phone and started laughing emotionally. I asked her what was so funny and she replied, "This customer wanted to know what show we were doing and I told him "T-Bone and Weasal" (the actual show we were performing - a comedy). She continued, "There was this long pause and I said 'sir, are you there'. And he said 'yes... (pause again), now is that the show or the dinner?" Laughingly, I asked her, "now how can you tell we live in Tennessee?"

My husband and I grew up in the small town of Graham, TX where every grocery store is well equipped with Ranch Style beans and Blue Bell, and any carbonated beverage is refered to as a coke rather than a soda or a pop. A year after we got married we moved to Nashville, TN and upon our arrival we stopped a restaurant. The waitress asked, "What would you like to drink?" I answered, "A coke please!" She replied, "We don't have coke is Pepsi ok?" "Oh, I am sorry I meant Dr. Pepper. Please excuse me. I am not from around here." "We don't have Dr. Pepper, only Mr. Pibb. Is that ok?" "Well, do you have a Shiner Bock?" "No, but we do have Bud Light. Is that ok?" And with that I replied, "Why yes, a glass of water sounds great!"

My husband and I grew up in the small town of Graham, TX where every grocery store is well equipped with Ranch Style beans and Blue Bell ice cream, and any carbonated beverage is refered to as a coke rather than a soda or a pop. A year after we got married we moved to Nashville, TN and upon our arrival we stopped at a restaurant. The waitress asked, "What would you like to drink?" I answered, "A coke please!" She replied, "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" "Oh, I am sorry I meant Dr. Pepper. Please excuse me. I am not from around here." "We don't have Dr. Pepper, only Mr. Pibb. Is that ok?" "Well, do you have a Shiner Bock?" "No, but we do have Bud Light. Is that ok?" And with that I replied, "Why yes, a glass of water sounds great!"

My Halloween Party.... Last halloween I could not stop laughing... 4 people came to my party as "the Beumillers". Some people wern't sure of whom they really were. However, I had a girl visiting from Texas (her name was Shelly). Shelly was not familiar with Tuna, but gravitated to the Beumillers. They l called each other by their 1st names. Bertha, Stanly, Charleen, & Nicky. Anyway, Bertha brought a dish of food to eat. Think it was pork & beans w/viena porks in it. Not much of it was eaten, so after the party I gave it to the dog, whom wouldn't eat it ! Shelly called the next day to tell me it was a great party & The Beumillers had the best outfit & by the way could she come over & get some more of that delicious dish they brought.... Texas 2 the Tee !

Proving that Yankees will always be dumber than Tuna folk, I was working at a gas station in the panhandle when some folks with NJ license plates stopped and commented how good we were to our animals. "Excuse me?" I asked. "Well, the fans for the cows, that's real good." I had no idea what they were talking about until the boy in the car pointed up the street. "There's one!" I poked my head around the corner and saw a windmill in front of the local watering hole. "Yeah, a fan for the cows!" I didn't make it to the office before I started laughing so hard my boss had to take their gas money...

May, 2000 Tuna Tales

One summer, I was riding in a truck with my dad and we'd been visiting his family in "Kaintuck". It was late afternoon and we were driving home from a tiring day of loafing in the woods. Along came a dumb beagle right in front of us. He stood and barked while my "cross between Ernest & Archie Bunker" dad, slammed on his brakes. The beagle stopped barking and then there was a small bump. We sat there a few seconds, wondering if we were sitting on top of the dog, 'cause it seemed like we never came back down after that bump. My dad squeezed his eyes shut and just shook his head. Then we leaned out of our windows and all we could see was that beagle's legs stickin' up. I put my hand over my mouth but before I could yell or cry, the dog started tipping over on his side, then finally flopped onto all fours and lumbered away sniffing the ground. After that happened, my dad told EVERYBODY! Sort of like it was the most sorely enjoyable expirience he'd ever had. I guess maybe he's got a little bit of ol' Stanley Bumiller in him along with everybody else!

My brother and I are in high school and we live in Pennsylvania. Last summer, we took a road trip to Texas to visit family and go to my dad's family reunion. We were in Dallas when my parents found out Red, White, & Tuna was showing at the Bass Theater. We went to see it and really enjoyed the play. We kept teasing my dad about how Tuna is just like Stanton (where he grew up). Less than a week later, we were at the annual reunion and auction at Forsan Elementary right outside of Big Spring. It was 123 degrees and we were sweltering and everyone was teasing us for our accents and calling us Yankees. One of the women walked us to my brother and me and exclaimed, "Y'all are David's kids? Well, don't you know y'all Yankees just aren't used to this heat. But you know, we don't really notice it. It could be worse. After all, it's a dry heat." I looked and my brother and we just started to laugh.

I was in about as rural South Carolina as one can get. I am an actor and my best friend and I were looking for the local theatre where we were to perform. After driving around for a good half and hour I said "David, we have got to ask somebody directions to the theatre...somehow we've managed to get lost." David saw a man filling up his tank at a gas station. It was an old white one-story shack with some old gas pumps in front of it. We pulled up and David rolled down the window. The man approached us and what I saw was to this day a sight that both floors and humors me. The man was an old fella about 60+ and his mouth had a wad of chew in it I SWEAR to be the size of his FIST! It distorted his face...Dizzie Gillespie-playing-his-horn-huge! David asked the man directions and what the Gentleman said was this... (with a southern accent)"huhamawpay pawbalelaw bmbabbmup prp..." I couldn't understand a word the guy said due to his chew! After he was done, David said thanks and the man walked away. I turned to David and I was in awe...disbelief! I asked what he said…David's response...”you take a left at the next light and go two block -- it's on the right hand side!”

At a country restaurant where the waitresses all wore checkered dresses, the waitress noticed my distress at finding something floating in my glass of tea. She walked over, stuck her hand in the glass and rooted out the offending object. She then handed it back to me, saying, "There honey, good as new."

When my 79 year old mother's first husband passed away she asked that I drive her to his gravesite. She was so excited to get there which surprised me because I knew he had been a lousy husband & cheated on her. When we arrived she walked over to the grave & spit on it!! I said "Mother, how horrible". Her reply, "I hope they buried him face down". "Why?" I asked. She said,"He's so devilish mean he'll scratch his way out of there!"

It's been over a year since the big twister ripped through my town, and a little over a year and a half since my friend's grandmother died. They shipped her body to a creamatorium in Dallas, because we don't have one at our parlor. Well, her remains arrived at the funeral home on Wednesday morning. The family was notified that they could come get her ashes whenever they wanted. The big tornado hit my town that afternoon. It flattened the funeral home, and scattered most of it's contents over town, including my friend's grandmother's ashes. The only response the family had was, "Grandmother did like to travel!"

When my favorite grandpa died a few years ago, we were all in the back of the limo. My grandmother (Nanny) was very upset and also on scotch and water. My cousin said look at the limo driver's hair. Me being a hairdresser, I took a good look. I started laughing histerically. He had on a toupe that looked like a rug. All of his hair underneath was grey and the toupe was just as black as could be. I had to tell my Nanny cause she does have a good sense of humor. Well she laughed as hard as we all did, except my own mother. She was looking at me with those evil eyes. Jenny Patrick Cumming,Ga.

When I moved to the South I stopped at a roadside Stuckeys. I shopped around and chuckled at some items for sale. I finished and brought my purchases to the counter. The cashier said something I didn't understand. I said "excuse me, I didn't understand", and she repeated herself. I still didn't get what she said and I excused myself again. The gentleman behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Ma'am, its not that she's talking too slow, its that you're listening much too fast." I laughed on and off all the way to my new home in Nashville.

My husband was on his annual hunting trip a few years ago along with his dad. They were driving through the lease when his father spotted a quail in the road. Thinking he had dinner, he aimed his 357 magnum pistol out his window to take a shot not thinking about the loudness of the shot it would make in the truck cabin. He shot and missed the bird, however it hit the ground and when they looked at it, it was shaking and traumatized, probably from a concussion of the blast near it, causing both the bird and my father in law to lose their hearing for a couple of days. And weve never let him live it down!!!!

I, being a Yankee of Jewish persuasion, (now a transplant in the South for 22 years)was making one of my first visits to my father-in-law in Raymond, Mississippi. I had brought him a bag of bagels which I had carefully imported from Chicago. He very politely ate one, slowly and carefully, and complimented me highly on the fine flavor and texture. I later overheard him telling my mother-in law, "Damn! Them was the toughest doughnuts I ever tasted!"

My mother, who lived through the Great Depression, the Big One (WWII) and all subsequent wars in addition to raising five daughters and being married to an SOB for 36 years, likes to tell me (often) how she feels bad for my eight year old son who is "growing up in this awful time." Last week while we were visiting and my boy was watching cartoons on Nickelodeon, my mom kept glancing at the TV and wincing. Finally she said,"These cartoons the kids watch...They don't even look real."

I was at my brother's house not too long ago--he married a less than worthless gal, but I love him, so I go. She's cooking dinner for us, and I am watching, in awe of her. At one point, she was flipping the steak she was cooking. It fell out of the pan, hit the stove, and landed on the floor. Now, she's not a housekeeper. She picked it up and promply put it back in the pan. I didn't blink when I told her that I thought I might head on down to the store and pick me up something to eat. I love that gal, but she blew my mind when she gave that steak to my brother, whose only comment was that it was alittle gritty and needed some ketchup.

Fresh and young from California to the south, I had to leave my cat at the vet's for some surgery and was naturally upset. I had answered all the receptionist's questions and handed Ms. Kitty to a tech. The receptionist asked who she should call when the surgery was over and I gave her the number where I would be and told her to ask for Pam. "Ham?" she asked. "No, Pam." "Ham?" "No, Pam." "Pin?" I was about to come unglued and answered, "Pam....P A M." "Oh", she says, "You mean Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam." Yes, that was exactly what I meant.

Several Thanksgivings ago, my husband and I were at our cabin in East Texas when the news announced two new figures for the Marshall Courthouse Christmas display - George Forman and Lady Bird Johnson. Our immediate reaction was that this would be a perfect addition for A Tuna Christmas' recitation of yard displays!

Recently, a group of us were meeting to have breakfast together. As we were getting into our cars, I turned to a friend and said, " see you at the IHOP." My friend replied, "Oh, I though we were going to the International House of Pancakes!"

Each year I reluctantly attend a bi-anual primitive camping trip with my husband in which we sit around the campfire talking about this that and the other. On one of our trips, a friend of my husband's had brought his girl de jour. Needless to say, what she had in looks, she lacked in brains. We were talking about our college days and someone brought up an old friend that no one had heard from in years. The girlfriend piped up and said "The last I heard, she was attending that fancy private college in New Orleans, Four lane."

June, 2000 Tuna Tales

Love can be shown in funny ways. The neighbors tomcat apparently had a huge crush on me which became evident on the morning that I had to get up early to get ready for my sister-in-law's wedding. My husband had left the sliding door open and the cat must have known love was in the air. He jumped into my bed and dropped a baby bunny on my still sleeping head. The bunny scampered for safety with cat in hot pursuit. Needless to say, that woke me up. My husband told me it is a sign of true love for a cat to offer such a honored gift.

There are lots of reasons to remember my Aunt Bernice. Her 3-pack-a-day whiskey voice, her very large red beehive... but I remember most the built in car port beside her double wide mobile home where she "did hair." There were two lawn chairs, and an old coffee table piled high with Tabloids where we'd sit and drink grape NE-HI. Once, I read this awful story about a woman who's welfare checks stopped coming and she ate her children. Gave myself nightmares for a month.

My Aunt Polly should have been a resident of Tuna. Childless, she and Uncle Benny had pets over the years. Two were poodles that at mealtimes sat at the table, bibbed, in high chairs and at naptime sucked pacifiers. They also had a parakeet with an extensive vocabulary. One of his most memorable responses was to the question, "what do beans make you do?"...a rasberry, of course! He also loved to nibble food from Aunt Polly's lips. However he acquired the habit of nipping her lip. Her brother, Uncle Frank, suggested a thump on the beak as a reprimand. Unfortunately, the first time Aunt Polly attempted this she underestimated the force of her thump...and broke his neck. She didn't speak to Uncle Frank for years!

Ah Remember back when Aunt Bob done went to the liquor sto and ganked some of that Whiskay. I reckon that was some good rootin tootin whiskay. Cletus done said it was expired but I shonuff known it twasn't. Pa slapped Cletus upside the head till a big ole wart done grown outa his bald wrinkled head. Man I sho was happy that pappy done did it.

Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzupppp!!!!!! Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzppppppppppp!!! wasssssssssssssaup!!!!!!!...........yo!

i think the populace of tuna should travel to europe. that would make for a REALLY exciting adventure. or maybe even travel round europe while still in texas... paris, athens, etc.

Due to the changing population of our great state,(I guess its the price we have to pay for Margaritas and Fajitas)a friend said, he was going to pack everything, tape a big picture of a Taco in the car window and drive until someone ask. What is this ? My friends, Santa Anna has his revenge!!!

Aunt Elsie loves Valentine's Day. She starts by dying her mousy brown hair a bright red. She then twirls it up in a french knot and adds white heart pins. Then she puts red and white Christmas Lights around her mobile home.

On the 10th she sends out heart invitations to her Valentines Day party. They read: Bernice and Hugh Request that You Come on over and Have a Few.

Well most of her travel trailer friends show up early. Elsie cooks her famous tuna casserole complete with red food dye) and Hugh mans the trashcan punchbowl. This party has become the talk of all Tuna. Hope you can make it next year.

While grocery shopping one day, I overheard an elderly couple inspecting a can of soup. "What it Mono...Sodium...Glut...am...ate?" asked the man. "I don't know, but at least it doesn't have any of that MSG," replied his wife.

I was driving near Gonzales, TX and stopped for a break at a local dairy store. The teenaged gum-chewing girl behind the counter had to be Helen Bedds' long-lost twin. I asked for a cone, and she said, smacking all the while, "Machine's busted, ain't got no ice cream, but we've got FRIIIIES." I then asked for Coke, and she replied, "No syrup, but we've got FRIIIIES." Finally I asked if they had anything not made with grease. She stared at me like I had shouted cuss words in Swahili, so I jumped in my car and sped out of town faster than you could say "FRIIIES"!

My Grandparents are 87 and 89 years young. They go to bed at 7:15pm every night right after they have eaten their fried egg sandwich and watched "Wheel of Fortune". After being asleep for about an hour, my Grandma woke up and thought it was morning. She cooked my Grandpa's normal daily breakfast consisting of 3 fried eggs with lace, 1 lb. of bacon,4 pieces of toast with "real" butter, fig preserves and cold sweet milk. She went down the hall and announced "breakfast is ready!" He got up and went to the kitchen, turned on the TV and proceded to eat his breakfast. When he cound not find the local news, he decided it was night instead of morning. He called his daughter to ask if it was morning or night. Needless to say they had to go back to bed and start all over.

When my neighbor collapsed and needed an ambulance, his maid came over to ask me to call 911. I did, and then proceeded to try to contact the man's wife. By the time I did, things were very crazy with paramedics and such... I start to tell my neighbor what happened to her husband. I say, "Your maid, Lupe, shouted to me..." A friend and fellow Tuna fan who was at my house started cracking up laughing. I realized then that her maid's name was actually Olga.

Mine's a true story about this guy Wes I used to know, dont ask how! He lived in the trailers outside Sherman, Tx and was always getting tanked on weekends with his buddies. One time Wes and these guys were thrown out of a bowling alley. It seems they lined up unopened beer cans on the lanes like pins and were trying to smack them with the balls. He later explained they wanted to test if cans of malt liquor exploded faster than near beer. I think Wes and Stanley Bumiller should have entered this experiment in the Tuna science fair!

July, 2000 Tuna Tales

When I was growing up in the Fifties if my Mamma heard the paperboy throw the morning news against the side of the house, she'd run out hollering at him. Worst part was she wore only a slip and girdle in the morning! What a sight for the neighbors to see! She never did care what they thought any way.

When I worked at Wal-Mart there was an old woman who would call and no one would talk to her. So, as luck would have it I always got to talk to her because no one else would. She talked about two words a minute and here is the kicker if she got mad at you she would say now you listen to me they had to staple my head back together after my suburban got hit by a train so you had better listen to me.I always felt sorry for her but you could tell where she got messed up.

One evening, my elderly, widowed Aunt Lilly heard two men breaking into the back of her farm house. Being properly skilled in firearms, she poked a pistol through a slot in the back door and cut loose, with the two morons running for their lives through the screen door. Later when asked by the Sherrif's deputy how she possibly could have missed, she said, "I didn't know if they were Christian or not and hated to send them on that way". We do not visit Aunt Lilly at night anymore.

My grandmother lived in a small west Texas town not unlike Tuna, Tx. She had a sister who looked almost identical to her. One day she and my granddad were in a store shopping. As they were walking past one of those three way mirrors in the store and she saw here reflection, she thought she was seeing her sister. She told my granddad, "OH look, there is Ethel". After having said that she realized it was her reflection in the mirror.

A post-highschool graduation European trip brought opportunity to connect with my 60 some year old aunt. Though good to see her, an interesting time we had, an 18 year old and a 60 year old - a city boy and her an Oklahoma girl.

On bus tours to different cities communication with locals began with a very Texan, "Do you speak English?" and me walking ten feet behind. This in mind, imagine our tour of Amsterdam: A really bad tour guide stopped to let us all off in their famous "Red-light district"... "Do you speak English?"

You have to talk "Tuna" in order to get what Greater Tuna is all about. I was in California in the early 80's and saw the poster for Greater Tuna. I attended the play not knowing what to really expect. In the opening scene of course the disc jockey who was just relieved stated to the other jocket... "I'm goin' down to the DQ and get me a RC and a moonpie." I howled and howled while the rest of the audience looked at me incredulously. Texas is a culture unto itself. I'm proud to be an official Tuna Translator!

Our neighbors(through the woods)were Mr. Cubb & Mrs. Shirley. Mrs. Shirley taught her kids the alphabet by dunking them in the rain barrel until they recited all 26 letters. When Mr. Cub decided to hide his whiskey in the barn, was he in for a surprise when Mrs. Shirley found it & poured hot pepper juice into it! He got even though. He poured pepper juice into her Listerine! They were married for over 50 years until she finally had enough and hit him over the head with a milk bucket. When he came to, he left and didn't come back. Guess he didn't like spicy whickey!

Growing up in Rosenberg Texas, I returned one year to plan my mother’s 50th Birthday Bash being held at the local American Legion Hall with BBQ Dinner, C&W Band and crepe paper streamers. Living in Austin, I brought with me my best guy friend (Gay), and a fellow female worker, (Lesbian). While at the party, the two got up to dance: My lesbian friend leading my gay friend around the dance floor with great pizzazz. Seated next to both of my 75-year-old grandmothers, one nudged the other and said, "Well look. Isn’t that cute? They are dancin’ backwards."

When I was a little girl in the fifties i would spend the summers with my grandfather. his way of showing off his grandkids was take them into the cafe(Riveria,TX) fouth smallest town in TX and tell the waitress that he just found us on the highway and did she have any work like washing dishes in order for us to get something to eat. Of course they always said yes we could sweep and wash dishes but we would have to stay for a couple of days in order to pay for our food. Of course my grandfather would always say "that is too hard for these little ones, I'll go ahead an pay for them today." At that time we never really knew if he was going to leave us there to pay for our food because like a lot of Texans he never gave anything away by his expression or body language( as they talk about today) We got to looking forward everysummer because we never knew what role we were going to be put into but we soon learned how to act our parts.

When Aunt Willine & Uncle Ronnie visited from Marlow Oklahoma, we were not aware of how big Aunt Willine had become. This wasn't a problem until she decided to place the full weight of her bulk on my dog Clancys' front paw. Being off balance she was unable to move her weight, that was until Clancy took a chunk out of he Achillies(fancy talk for heel area). Aunt Whilline needed shots but the dog was OKKK.

My Aunt Marie is a Sunday School teacher in Piedmont, Alabama. One Sunday, while she was teaching a group of 6-9 year olds that God loved everyone, one of her young charges interjected that God didn't love Black people. (He was not so politically correct in his choice of words.) Without correcting his choice of words, my Aunt asked him why he thought God didn't love n****rs. He responded that if God loved them, he wouldn't have burned them. To this day, my Aunt tells this story as the funniest thing that has ever happened to her.

My wife and I got married in 1989. The best man at our wedding was an Army Captain. He got his girlfriend (an Air Force enlisted girl) pregnant so they could get her out of the military. They had a real small wedding. We got invited, though, and upon arrival at the chapel his Baptist grandmother asked, in a booming voice "WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE AND WHAT CHURCH DO THEY GO TO?"

We have a flower shop in a historic district that draws a lot of out of town visitors. Over the past few years we have become a kitten magnet- they're too cute to drown and we get attached to them so we can't give them away. After running out of names, one scrappy little tabby was just named "Baby". Denise, our little Italian floral designer starts her day by sweeping the front porch and walk. One morning Baby showed up with a live bird in her mouth to show Denise. Denise, in her apron and broom in hand, started screaming "Baby Stop!" "Baby - Drop it" and Baby give it to me now - right now!" Then she looked up to see a young male runner standing by the curb, staring at her. Not seeing the cat hidden behind the marigolds, he had done the first command, but wasn't sure how to approach the second and third. Denise now insists we need to give the cat another name.

While living in Wylie, TX, I went with my neighbor and his wife the first time they took their new bass boat out. Becky jumped out of the boat to swim due to the Texas heat, need I say more. Steve quickly commented to me he wasn't sure how she'd get back in since he didn't spend the extra money for a ladder. Sure enough, Becky swam back to the boat and began pawing at the side. Steve began to laugh so hard he was crying as becky cussed him for being so cheap and not buying a ladder. He finally stopped laughing long enough to try to pull her in but due to her size (she was bigger than he was)he lost his balance and in he went. He managed to get back in while she couldn't, which began his hysterical laughing again. We both helped her in the boat which prompted him to begin yelling "beached whale, beached whale" alerting all the other boaters in the cove. She insisted he take her home immediately (which he did) and to buy a #%@! ladder, which he did.

Several years ago I volunteered my piano-playing skills at the Chapelwood Methodist Vacation Bible School. The music director, a salty lady of 70+ years, had a favorite "Jacob Built His House Upon the Rock" in which the children had to use hand motions to tell the story. As I was stationed behind the podium to accompany the singing, I began to notice how Mrs. DuBarry began waving her arms about wildly. "You GO girl" was what I was thinking. The wild motions continued with the children responding enthusiastically. Suddenly, Mrs. DuBarry keeled over on the stage. It was only then that I realized Mr. Dubarry had suffered a mild seizure(From which she fully recovered) Those children sure thought they had a groovy music teacher.

Being from Nevada where we have 24 hour drinking, gambling, and prostitution, it always blew my mind to visit my relatives in Oklahoma. My mom would get weird when she went back, and dredge up all the religeous teachings that had been pounded into her as a child. One time, I was dancing to a song I heard on the jukebox in a diner, and mom snatched me into the booth, and said I'd be arrested for dancing in public. "After all, that's how John the Baptist lost his head," she admonished. One day my brother and I went to buy beer. We searched every aisle in the supermarket, and finally asked the clerk where the beer was. He replied, "We don't sell beer here because we are across the street from a church." My brother said, "You're kidding. In Nevada, they sell beer IN the church!!!"

On our way back from one of my husband's family holidays we offered a ride to his mother. It is unusual in this family to have a peaceful family gathering, so our invitation was an act of mercy to the rest of the family. His mom sat a coconut pie on a box so she could yell at my husband more efficiently. He was driving 50 mph. on dirt roads all the way home. With each stop she would try to catch that pie, again and again. Finally when my husband stopped to get on freeway she caught it. she rode the next Fifty miles with pie dripping from her fingers. Hazel Sandlin of Dallas Tx.

August, 2000 Tuna Tales

Last summer a guy I know who's a native of Central Texas dragged me and some other companions to a get-together thrown by the relatives he doesn't like to talk about in nearby Bastrop Co. These folks were a few nickles short of a quarter.... they owned several acres of barren land with two trailers, a portable jacuzzi, a clothesline, and a tornado shelter they called the 'fraidy hole on it (well, they did want to add a satellite dish someday!). A big septic pond lay about 500 yards from the trailers and the relatives were clustered around a keg of Shiner they plopped in smellin' distance. One mom kept screaming at the little 'uns not to dive into the pond 'cause that wasn't no pool! My friends and I referred to the place for month after as the "Texas Kennedy Compound"! It reminded me of my dazed and confused California cousin who bought a plot of dirt in the Mohave Desert, but that's for next month's quiz!

My aunt Maureen and uncle "Wimpy" from Victoria in south Texas, are ringers for Vera Carp and the Sheriff from Greater Tuna. Although Aunt Maureen and my Dad are close, it takes a lot to persuade Wimpy to leave the great state of Texas. My baby brother's wedding was one event that qualified. The youngest of six boys my brother was very nervous about everything going right, and his family not embarassing him. Add to this the multiple relatives that seemed to come out of the hills, and he was nearly beside himself the morning of the wedding. Rather than stay in the already crowded house, Maureen and Wimpy set up their camper trailer at the curb. The night before the wedding, Mom got up about 2 am, did a bed check and made sure all her "chicks" were accounted for, turned off the porch light and locked the back door, not realizing the travel trailer was plugged into the porch light, so Wimpy and Maureen spent the rest of the night in the dark, with no air conditioning. Next morning, teasing Mom about a real "Missouri" welcome, Maureen was standing outside the bathroom ready for the wedding, waiting for Wimpy while holding his best pair of shoes - a highly decorated pair of men's cowboy boots. Since Maureen was wearing her slippers, baby brother assumed she was planning to wear those boots to the wedding,along with her frilly yellow dress. Just for meanness, we older brothers let him stew for a while.

This isn't exactly a story of love, but if you count the affection Petey the duck had for those pigeons, well it might just be.

When I was a kid in my Texas home town of 4,000 there was a boy, David, who was just like Petey Fisk. He always brought critters home. One day at David's, we decided that Petey the duck wanted to visit the pigeons next door at Terry's. Petey love to play with those pigeons, chasing and playfully biting them in the. We weren't too sure if the pigeons felt the same though.

Anyway, it was on a windy, hot summer day when Petey and his beloved pigeons passed on after we three decided, against better judgment, to play Tarzan the Firestomper.

We played a little too close to the pigeon coop and it didn't help matters when Terry hit the turned over gas can on its side with the broom. Instant flame thrower.

It was horrible, all the quacking and cooing going on. And we didn't know that the water hose wouldn't reach that far. They were now in a better place.

Oh, what is Tarzan the Firestomper? Its a game we invented. But, that's another story.

When I worked on the store set-up crew for a major drug store chain, there was a woman who worked with us that had bleach-blond hair. She looked alot like Vera Carp. I was helping her set up the ointments and rubs section in one store and she picked up a tube of Ben Gay and said: "My boyfriend and I were having sex one night and all the lights were off and I reached for that K-Y Jelly and got the Ben Gay instead. We were both on fire. That was the hottest piece of ass I ever had."

My fathers dog died. My sister-in-law found a stray and brought it to him, thinking it might make him feel better. It soon died. My sister-in-law loved my father and wanted him to be happy. So she brought him another stray dog. It died within 2 weeks. Again she brought a stray, and again it died. Not knowing what to do, she spoke with my mother, who told her not to get another dog, he did not want a dog, but did not want to hurt her feelings. The dogs were victims of the medicine (bitter pills).

September, 2000 Tuna Tales

Well i must say i have enjoyed looking at the outragious page. I was a producer for the show "Greater Tuna" last year for my high school'a one act compotition. It was a great experence and i just wanted to thank the writters. I find the characters very funny and unlike any real person they just speak their minds and being from the south i relate to some of the things the characters do. sorry i know i am not relateing to the topic, but is not valentines day. Thank you agian, and i will continue to keep the Tuna spirit alive.

when i was about twelve or thirteen my mom got a video of greater tuna from her friend in texas and i was made to watch tuna almost every week at their poker game. i came to love it. when friends would come over i would show the video to them, they didn't get it. i don't know if they were too young or it was because they were just stupid. so back home i couldn't find anyone outside of my mom and her friends that appreciated tuna like me. i recently moved to savannah, ga and last night i was in a bar with some co-workers and my friend eric mentioned tuna, i could hardly believe my ears, i was so happy. i can't believe i finally met someone who knows tuna like i do. he is giong to host a tuna party to show it to all of the people we know who haven't seen it. i can't wait. i have been very homesick since i have been here and finding that eric likes tuna made me so happy, it was like a little bit of home, something familiar that made me a little happier. thank you.

It has vecome a community tradition to watch the Christmas show every year at our annual holiday party in Athens, Texas (and by the way if you look at the map, and the location of Tuna on the keychain is right over Athens) We have had so much fun reminscing over who remiinds us of members of our families and community until we are all laughing so hard that we can't see straight. Keep up the good work and God Bless Tuna Texas!!

Last Halloween the local KCs Haunted House was scarier than usual. Having promised to take a couple of my friends' kids to the event proved a mite embarrassing. One of the girls proceedes to freak out so I tell her to just keep her eyes closed and I will lead her out. She is so petrified that she attempts to "climb" me and in the process pulls down my under pants through my dress. Needless to say the sight of my big white bloomers around my ankles under the black light send the KCs into hysterics, causing one guy to fall into a flat and knocking two entire walls down. The experience so reminded me of something that could happen in Tuna.

A friend called needing names of her grandson's friends ,while I was talking my daughter said "one of the guys name is Duncan" and she was trying to remember his last name and then she said ,so seriously "it's Duncan Hines" , and all of a sudden I realized why it sounded right to her , it was a cake mix and I stared laughing so hard and trying to tell her and then she started laughing, so from then on I would ask her "Does Duncan Hines have a sister ,named Little Debbie , or an Aunt Jemima ? "

October, 2000 Tuna Tales

A 'friend' of mine was playing a Hot Box Dancer in "Guys & Dolls". When 'she' put on her "Take Back your Mink" outfit, including a two-piece teddy and other items, 'she' remembered to put on everything EXCEPT the bottom to the teddy. When 'she' stripped the outer garments, 'she' left her thong underwear and fishnet hose exposed. Luckily for 'her' it was a Dress Rehearsal and not a live performance.

There's a special love when a daddy looks on his new baby child for the first time. As a nursery nurse, I've seen many a special moment. On the other hand, not every daddy knows what to do with all that feeling building up inside. One young man, watching his vigorously, VIGOROUSLY, crying newborn, had his face turning this way and that. I smiled, examining the baby, waiting for the new daddy to finally utter words. At last he said, "Honey, guess we can take back those baby monitors!"

While working the check-out at the local grocery store, my female customer inquired as to weather or not she could use a coupon attached to a package of "White" mushrooms during that purchase. Upon analyzing the coupon, I explained that it's value was to be applied to a purchase of "Shitake" mushrooms. To which she replied, "Well why would they what me to purchase a different brand."

I laughed inside as I pictured her in "Bertha's" kitchen.

I member ah time when mah friend billy joe bob got a hold of mah shoe. he dun threw it up on a tree. Fo sho i would had no shoe for school i told him but he didn't listen. my momma dun gave me a whoopin that evening. I have only one shoe now.

Werd up hommie. I just want to drop a message for all my doggs. Keep it real, ya heard me?

November, 2000 Tuna Tales

My Tuna Tale began in 1984, when I was dragged to a performance kicking and screaming all the way. I simply had zero interest in seeing the show. Kiping and whining 'til the curtain went up, within five minutes I was literally falling out of my seat with laughter! It remains a "theatre story" that I still relate to others when promoting any "Tuna" production.

The play has had such an impact upon me & my wife that we proudly accept all jibes regarding our "White Trash Cookbook" set - which is proudly displayed in our kitchen. Our neighbors in our upscale, gated community are especially appalled!! And we love it. Our favorite of the three recipe books is "White Trash Cookin' II - Recipes for Gatherin's," whose recipe's we've used for parties. We just tell the guests: "If it's good enough for the folks of Tuna, Texas, it's good enough for us!"

Our love of all things "Tuna" has kept us together, especially at our theatre where we are embarking on another "Tuna" production!

God Bless Tuna, Texas!!

I had taken the Tuna Christmas Video to a friend in Florida who is quite country and I new would just love it. Inst